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Saying “No” Builds Higher Self-Esteem – Week 5
09 July 2015
One of the major
reasons women burn out and have very little time for what inspires us is that
we take on too many things. This is mainly because we do not know how to say
no, perhaps because we want to please everyone. This does not work. We end up
totally exhausted with so many misaligned relationships and projects—all
because we cannot say NO.
Susan Newman, PhD, author of The Book of No sums up nicely the differences between men and women
when it comes to saying NO.
“Men are expected to assert themselves and speak their
mind; that's what gives them status in our society. They learn to say no early
on because if they don't, they're labeled wimps. On the other hand, women earn
praise for playing nice and co-operating. As girls, we're singled out for being
helpful. This manifests in adulthood as an eagerness to please and gain others'
approval, typically by agreeing to assist anyone who asks. In fact, the female
need to please is so ingrained that many chicks equate saying no with saying
"I don't care about you."
The Value of Giving a ‘No’
To counteract our
socialisation toward helping others to the detriment of ourselves, let’s look at
some great reasons to say No.
Eventually this will
become second nature to you, and you will begin to see that you not only have
more time and energy, you are also more fulfilled.
Time: There are
only 24 hours in the day and how we use it makes a difference. There are no
refunds if you waste the time. If you are spending a lot of your time helping
everyone else with their relationships and projects, it takes away from time
you could invest in creating your own unique life.
Resentment: If you
are continually doing things for others and not yourself, you will have
resentment and wonder, “What about me, when is it my time?” This is a big
energy waster and leaves you feeling flat and depressed.
naturally continues on from time and resentment. If you are always too tired
from doing things for everyone else and being resentful, how will you have the
energy to create the life you desire?
Continually being asked: This is a bit of a snowball effect. When people know that you can’t
say no, they will continually ask you to help, as this allows them extra time
to create the life they desire!!
Not doing your friend any favours: That is right, if you are continually there to help,
how are they learning and growing? Growth is what we are all required to do and
it’s through doing things ourselves that we grow and learn.
As you start to say
no, keep in mind that you do not need to give a reason why you can’t do
something. This is the biggest trap we fall into. Giving a reason allows others
to alter their request to fit in around your reason for saying NO.
Keep it simple, just
And remember that
most men only give a reason for their “NO” when pushed and pushed to do so.
good guide for any request is to ask yourself this question: “Does this request
make me feel excited or further my goals?” and if the answer is no, then say
really is that simple!!
Gratitude and Joy
earlier posts in Karen’s Creating High Self Esteem Series please
Creating High Self Esteem – Week 1
Building High Self Esteem – Week 2
Continuing on our Journey to High Self Esteem – Week 3
Fueling Yourself Towards High Self Esteem – Week 4
About the Author
Karen Chaston: “Inspiring Women to Empower All Areas of Life” is a
wife, mother, author, speaker, radio host, former CFO publicly listed company,
BraveHeart Women Resonator.
it took her son’s death for her to become more aware, grateful,
healthier, energised and live in my Essence.
now inspires women to become their own best friend and live in their Essence.
more “conscious entrepreneurs”; who allow heart and soul,
as well knowledge and expertise, to guide their businesses. Karen will
guide your female colleagues away from burnout, exhaustion and competition
towards inspired, motivated and collaborative employees who’ll have a CEO
focused mind-set. A win-win for all!!